The Long Black Veil

This is a hard entry to know how to begin.

It is one that I really don't wish to write at all, quite frankly, but feel I can't properly continue to write this blog without pausing (at the very least!) to mark this moment. There has recently been a death in my family that has been very difficult...it is still too raw to go into any more personal detail than that. This has developed into one of those life-changing, life-affirming, enlightening, re-evaluating "ah-ha" times that I think has changed my life forever as a person; looking back, it's hard to see that anyone could go through a similar experience and not come out different.

My views on death, life, marriage, parenting and what love means (and I ain't talking about the kind that comes in a Hallmark card) have all been profoundly affected.

Overall, I feel more compassionate and understanding about both family and friends. Through the years, it has always been my tendency to fill the role of peacekeeper in many situations and now I feel more comfortable in that role and find myself stepping up it instead of just eventually "falling" into it.

There is a helpless, terrified sense about how fragile life is that has been hammered home quite clearly....it sounds horrifically trite, but is so very true a sentiment; I would have to assume being at a birth is a very similar experience. In today's world that is so dangerous and mired in cynicism, it is understandable that people don't really dwell on on the whole life/death matter and the plethora of frivolous distractions makes sense; everyone would drive themselves nuts being depressed or in a constant state of terror if they did.

As previously mentioned, it does however put things in perspective and that is something that is acknowledged all too seldomly. This whole process/experience has brought about a whole new framework for which me to view things. I've noticed there tends to be a sense of peace and calmness that settles in now over times that I begin to get stressed or moments of indecision....not right away, but it does come. I shall forever have my moments of fretting mind you, (I'm Jen, Mood swings is what I do!) but it now seems obvious that there is really very little about which getting worked up over is an effective and worthwhile use of one's energies. (Passionate about, yes. again, have you met me?)

It's a bit of a cop out, but I'm not feeling too original at the moment, so to sum this whole bit of rambling up, all I can say is "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, and it Really IS in the end all Small Stuff."