Wednesday, June 15, 2005

You tell dem trade me right f**king now!

To paraphrase Denis Lemieux in that paragon of murder on ice, this is what I told my headhunter last Wednesday. Since then, I have been amidst a flurry of interview insanity as after almost 2 years of exemplary freelance work, my day job tried to boot me with a mere 2 days notice.

This would not normally faze me in the least, as the core principle of contract work is that there is an endpoint (unlike those poor permanent folks who, in theory could slave away forever!) But, there is an unwritten sort of contract code. It maintains, that I will not simply walk offsite without making a reasonable attempt at leaving things finished. They, in turn will give me a heads up that the work will be ending so I can re-book myself in a timely fashion.

Or you could do it the wrong way. My temptation to mock-up up a step-by-step manual on how NOT to terminate an employee and leave it on the studio manager's desk is rather prodigious.

Here are some excerpts from her present manual:

The Wild Kingdom Approach: Call the "former contractor" in question into your office at 12pm as they are headed out the door for lunch; this catches them off-guard and weak from low blood sugar.

The Spacely Sprocket Mentality: Ask for their current job list/deadlines so you can pawn the work of on another staff member; all staff with the same job titles are interchangeable cogs and years of experience on an intricate scientific brand is more of a hindrance than a help.

This should always be followed with:
The Borg Treatment: The cog....er..."former contractor" can easily download her memory chips to the new cog and management can add any physical enhancements to adjust for Photoshop ability and mcps (mouse-clicks-per-second) to easily maintain the current schedule and budget that were laid out with the "former contractor's" attributes in mind.

The Muddled Mambo: What the management does upon realizing the new employee they "hired" hadn't officially accepted their offer yet and needs to give two weeks notice if he does. They are also pounced upon by the "former contractor's" team for lack information flow and attempt at mutilating a crucial project by removing the key worker bee. This tap dance ends, by finally letting the "former contractor" know at 4:55 on Friday afternoon that it would be best if they stayed to finish their work for a sense of continuity.

I wish I were kidding.

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