To: All the Men I've Loved Before

Maybe it's just the cold medicine or my swollen sinuses compressing against the soft part of my brain, but I'm feeling a tad nostalgic this morning. Quite likely, it also involves the recent sweet, although misplaced affections of a crush that seems rather oblivious to the fact that I'm rather smitten with a super-happy-fantastic boyfriend.

This brought on a wave of reminiscing over my past crushes, dates, and boyfriends throughout these 30 some years. Despite all ending in heartbreak, many of these delightful gentlemen appear to have left me with something valuable nonetheless. So, with that, here's 10 of my favorite "lessons":

1. BT- A fine selection of dirty German phrases. How to neutralize the 'cheese shredder' capacity of my braces.

2. JB- How to play poker. Several choice dirty Russian phrases.

3. JP- Both the joy and knowledge of being able to replace a transmission on a '69 Thunderbird. Random car knowledge that always keeps me a torque wrench ahead of my mechanic.

4. DA- A truckload of dirty foreign phrases in a rainbow of languages. Too many 'discovered' bands and movies to mention. The Art of Compromise. How to Survive a Heartbreak. Maintaining a Platonic Friendship. (why are the last 3 a Dr. Phil whisker away from being self-help titles?!)

5. JH- A passionate love for the movie "Man of La Mancha". The realization that smothering affection is almost worse than apathy.

6. MM- The balls to stand up for my principles in the face of adversity, even if it meant walking away. The introduction of a 10-step background check for all potential suitors.

7. NK- The spiffy music of Steve Burns. The wacky writings of David Eggers and Chuck Palahniuk. Sushi. How to walk away with class. The introduction of carding my potential beaus.

8. JK- Adult Swim. The yummy Mexican restaurant "El Tapatio". The realization that I'm much too old for flings.

9. KF- The music of Mary Lou Lord. The art of political commentary.

10. NV- Rediscovering my passion for writing. neo. How to embrace my inner child in a gigantic bear hug.

Wow, that was the equivalent of 10 therapy sessions in 15minutes! The urge to go lie on the couch and not even ponder the upcoming trip to my parents is overwhelming.

The Peace Treaty of Rhinovirus Irritatus

20 December, 2004

Article 1: In order to achieve a fully functioning Jen, it is requested that the virus currently occupying territories in the Northern ENT cease and desist all phlegm making activities and surrender peacefully.

Article 2: Failure to recognize the right of Ms. Nelson to a sneeze free holiday season will result in invasion by the dual forces of Acetaminophen and Pseudoephedrine. The steady campaign of Operation "Drown the Buggers" through clear fluid operations will continue.

Article 3: The repatriation of prisoners of war and interned germs will be carried out with the greatest rapidity by the immune system dispersal service and removal by the sub-cleaning commission of Kleenex.

These terms are non-negotiable.

Naked Breakfast?

The commute in this morning was bizarre. So much so, I'm really questioning if I am in fact awake, or David Lynch is channeling William S. Burroughs and co-scripting a new reality movie that I secretly auditioned for and was cast.

Scene 1: A CTA Train Station

[Our heroine, frozen and sleepy, stumbles up the steps of her local train station and gravitates to the glowing heat lamps of the train platform kiosk. After settling herself into one of the parabolas of toastiness, she looks up at her surroundings. Instead of other icicle laden commuters, she is surrounded by 6 Chicago Police Officers while 2 muzzled German Shepards rest at her feet. She smiles at one of the officers and picks up a strain of their conversation.]

"It's the f*ckin' owners, they couldn't care less about the players or the fans. Money-grubbin' SOB's" grumbles Officer A.

('Hockey? they're talking about Hockey?' our heroine thinks to herself, bewildered that in this Bears football obsessed town that anyone heard the news about the recent rejected NHL offer, much less cared.)

[Conversation strikes up between our heroine and the officers as to the loss of a whole hockey season and Chelios's might/might not signing status with the Chicago Wolves...the Chicago AHL Hockey team. A train then pulls up and all parties wave and chuckle about seeing each other at a Wolves game soon.]

[end scene]

Weird no?

Blowing my Fuse

Literally, this time. This morning marked the first fuse I’ve blown in 9 months. Somewhat amazing, considering the fact that the electro-brain-surgeons who wired this place decided to give me a mere 40watts to play with and then dedicated 20 of that exclusively to low drain overhead lighting. If you are following this luddite logic, that leaves me with 20watts to attempt existence in the 21st century, no small feat for a techo-savvy gadget geek.

There IS a dog-eared post-it on my fridge detailing what I can and can’t run at the same time to avoid excessive burden on my puny lines. These “Power Commandments” arrived with the addition of a window air conditioner, penned by the wiring wizard that is my younger sibling. There was uproarious laughter when he informed me I should avoid having the air on, watching morning news, having coffee AND toast. Who eats toast when it’s 102degrees out? Apparently I do, as that was the first KO of my wimpy fuse box. Although to be fair, I was blow-drying my hair...not watching TV!

This morning’s overload was that triple-play combo of spaceheater + microwave + coffeemaker...it appears a snug house and warm tummy are just not simpatico.

So add Reason #24 Electrically Challenged to the list of justifications for my impending spring move.

Resistance is Futile; Papa Smurf this means YOU!

Thanks to Aikarin for being so deviously twisted!

Oompa Loompa Loompa-Dee Doo

My name is Jen, and I’m a chocoholic.

This was not aided by my office building’s management throwing a Holiday Party for their tenants this afternoon. It featured the typical hors d'oeuvres and punch one might expect at a button-down gathering.

But, the piece de resistance? A 2-foot-tall fountain of flowing chocolate fondue!

I had to be yanked back to my desk after frolicking around the above centerpiece in a celebratory dance to the marvel that is the cacao bean, stopping just short of plunging my face into the stream and slurping that sweet elixir sans fruit.

A cyber promise to my dentist that I'll seek help and a healthy snack as soon as the sugar buzz wears off!

Put on your yalmulka...

A Happy 8 Crazy Nights to all!

(reference here for those, like myself that are beyond clueless on the subject. Yes, it IS a kids site; but I'm just a silly pseudo-practicing Lutheran from MN, the learning curve is HUGE!)

Gonna wash that methylisothiazolinone right outta my hair!

This is really quite a frightening discovery.

And despite the media's usual knee-jerk "sky is falling" mentality, this not without merit. Admittedly, after reading this morning's article I quickly scanned the list, cross-checking my cupboards and medicine chest. Amazingly, although I had used some of the products in the past, none were in residence at present.

Having a healthy sense of cynicism, while I'll check labels for MITs in the future, I'm not running out for a CAT scan to hunt for brain tumors. At the same time, it does cause one to pause; Thalidomide was considered safe, more recently, so was Vioxx. To quote the article:

Whether long-term exposure to products containing MIT is dangerous is not known, Aizenman said. "Can I say that these products are safe to use? No," he said. "Can I say that these products are unsafe to use? No."

$10American says off the record this fella does not use products with MITs and would discourage his family and friends to cease use as well.

Perhaps my wariness is also compounded my current day gig. At present, I'm working for an ad agency with several drug companies as clients and I've seen first hand some of the crap they try to pull. The FDA does threaten fines and revocation of licensing, but as long as these companies have a toenail inside the foul line, most consider it all fair play and caveat emptor to the public.

A Very Soggy Equation

[Short Girl] + [Long Inseam] + [Steady Rain @ .25inch per hour] = A wretchedly long morning of sodden calves!

Serenity NOW!

The calendar tells me it been nearly 2 weeks since my last post. Somehow this is almost believable, as the blur that my life appears to evolved into could be anywhere from 30sec to 14 days to a month. It's been a tempest of travel, family, friends, sweetie and work....and though I did not partake in any mutant fowl for my celebration, I can certainly commiserate with the number of directions a turducken gets yanked in:


Pass the Dressing, I'm Done! 

With some fanagling, my turkeys, ducks and chickens should be back in perfect little rows in about 2 weeks....just in time to do the HoliDaze dance oncemore. ARgh!Does waving a white flag allow me to fast-forward to January?