Cornocopia of Plenty, on Standby

The stagnant breath of the holiday season has begun to pant down my neck, starting with this particularly fun news.

ATA is one of the few airlines to service the frigid ice floe my relatives refuse to leave (MSP International, for those not in the know). It was also reasonably cheap, being as traveling there between Oct-May is not for the faint of heart or those with poor circulation...Halloween Blizzard of '91 anyone?

So, the great scramble for alternative aviation means of passage has begun! Many calls and emails have been placed to anyone carrying even a smidge of my genetic matter as to their availability to pick me up, avoiding endless hours at the monstrous mecca of absurdity known as the Mall of Death.

Skipping Thanksgiving is not even an option, this was attempted once several years ago...I might as well have taken to skeet-shooting with the good china and not ended up in such a quagmire of guilt!

There IS a gilded side to this little snafu though...American flies out of O'Hare.

My air legs are skittish at best, the downside of ATA has always been Midway's super short runways and competing with O'Hare for air-lanes. The result of the former conflicts causes the aircraft to bank at a stomach-turning 45degree angle at takeoff and before landing. To combat this, I abstain from food and caffeine for 12hours before a flight...needless to say, I am a bouquet of daisies upon arrival! The thought of not spending a portion of the flight hungry and retching is rather appealing!
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A side note: When culling links for this entry, found this detail of Famous Minnesota Blizzards....I've witnessed 6 of these and both "harsh winters"....Jen knows snow!

Sharing is bad, just ask the RIAA

Apologies to my blog readership for last week's lapse in writing. Future gaps are going to be inevitable, as somehow I leaned on the pureé button and my dull little existence has taken on a tsunami-like resemblance.

That said, I'm happier than I've been in eons. Even more surprising, I have no desire whatsoever to share this information. Quite a backpeddle on the initial raison d'être of this blog; it was and still will be my virtual Gyroscope to voice opinions, try out new ideas and otherwise flex my writer's flair. At inception, I had also intended to be scrupulously honest and track my travails through inevitable rounds of blind /bad dates while trying to figure out the cause of my terminal singleness.

or not.

The intention is not to tease, far from it. My luck has been so remarkably foul in heart-related matters, it seems as though the entire path has been paved with black cats, ladders and broken mirrors. Even mentioning that the weather is clearing in this area has me spitting, crossing, mumbling in archaic speech for fear that this well-cloaked reference might jinx things and the whole matter will dissipate as quickly as it appeared.

This will be a tricky time to write due to both lack of time and topics relating to 'weather'...but I've never done anything the easy way, so why start now!

Maybe White Men Can't Jump, But White Girls Absolutely Can't Rap!

Last night I went and saw Cake at the Riveria. My tickets were deceptively vacant of such crucial elements as "ALL AGES SHOW" and the identity of their opener, if they had one. They unfortunately did, and it was....well...there's just too many adjectives to try to describe this one.

Imagine, if you will some record executive pondering.... "Hmmm, you know what would be an interesting sound, what if we crossed 'Spice Girls' and 'Beastie Boys' except instead of guys from Brooklyn, we find cheerleaders from Staten Island?"

It had never particularly bothered me that the entity known as 'the white female rap artist' didn't exist, now I know why they don't and absolutely shouldn't.....it's very hard to have street cred while wearing Gap and $500 matching diamond studs.

Moving on from that enlightening observation, Cake was excellent! Not a ear-revival performance, but enough of their delicious groove/rockabilly/funk to have me bouncing and bopping shamelessly. They amazingly didn't play much of the new album, a shame as it's enriched with so many yummy multi-layered hooks, Betty Crocker is fuming. But,the old faves were there, made shiny and quirky oncemore - and sometimes the expected is a very comfortable way to spend an evening!

*Swoon*

Watch out, I'm contagious...the prognosis is not good ;)

Twitterpation

Symptoms: Excessive Giddiness, Flushed Color, Sweaty Palms, Increased Blood Pressure, Shortness of Breath, Heart Palpitations, Daydreaming

Complications: Heart-related issues have been known to arise.

Prevention: Avoid contact with the outside world.

Treatment: There is no known cure, with time symptoms will resolve themselves or manifest into a more serious condition.

Surviving the Evil NHL Lock-Out: A Beginner's Guide:

1. See No Evil: Rent (although if you are true hockey fan you probably own these!) the following movies to vicariously provide the warm fuzzy feeling that a hat-trick or a bone-crushing boarding provides:
Miracle

Do You Believe in Miracles? The Story of the 1980 U.S. Hockey Team

Slapshot

Les Boys

Mystery, Alaska

Youngblood (cheesy, but a great shot of Rob Lowe's heinie!)

2. Play No Evil: Living Room Hockey. Not exactly safe for your collection of Hummel figurines, but a good way to work off excess frustration...go a step further and post a picture of Gary Bettman in between your pseudo-pipes (bookcases work great!) snag a tennis ball and whack away!

3. Sing No Evil: Assemble a collection of all-time hockey favorite anthems to mourn to; beginning of course with this ONE....anything hair-metal vintage works, classic Queen, The Hockey Song, and my personal fave by Warren Zevon: "Hit Somebody"

You could skirt the whole ludicrous mess of course, and just check out AHL hockey, it's cheap and the guys are real scrappers...unlike some National League players who are more concerned about looking pretty for their next endorsement deal. (Chi-Town fans, your team is the 1998, 2000 & 2002 Turner/Calder Cup Champs Da Wolves!)

Jen-Variety Vitae

Props to Logan's Dave and All Things Jen(nifer) for this fun little exercise!

FIRST
First job: Swimming Instructor, AV Park District (Ages 3-8)
First screen name: Kibblebutt
First funeral: Grandpa Harry, 1987
First pet: Gerbil named "Beatrice"
First piercing: Ears, 1984
First tattoo: Art Deco medallion, right shoulder, 1996
First credit card: Visa
First kiss: 1987, behind an abandoned gas station in Youngstown, OH
First enemy: Peter; pre-school adversary and ball-hog

LAST
Last car ride: Thursday night cab ride.
Last kiss: Wednesday night, Chicago Red Line Stop
Last movie watched: Team America
Last beverage drank: V-8
Last food consumed: Bag of Roasted Pumpkin Seeds
Last phone call: Hotel caterer
Last time showered: 7:30 this morning
Last CD played: The Spine, by They Might Be Giants
Last website visited: meetin.org

NOW
Single or taken: Single
Gender: Female
Birthday: June 23
Sign: Cancer
Hair color: Reddish brown
Eye color: Chocolate brown
Shoe size: 7.5
Height: 5' 4"
Wearing: Black velvet pants, black and gray shirt and a smile.
Thinking about: my halloween costume
Listening to: iTunes, baby!

Bring me his head in a demitasse cup!

This man is the antithesis of all that I hold dear about mornings!

I've sat back and chuckled through this whole carb-free dementia that is currently in vogue....carb-free wine? carb-free gum? Whatever! It's affected my life very little indeed; being an avid cyclist and runner, I seek out simple carbs relentlessly!

Apparently, they've finally run out of things to remove carbs from, and the next malignant spirit is caffeine and its most pleasant host, (my personal dark master :) coffee!

There is a REASON decaf sucks. Sure, caffeine is bad for you, so are scads of other things, but it’s an integral part of the whole coffee drinking experience. [sip] *mmmm* [heady rush] *ahhhhh* [sip sip] [twitch] *wheeeeee!*

Who wants to live forever anyhow? Personally, I’m going to enjoy my time of this twirling science experiment…bring on the steak, mashed potatoes, a double espresso and a shot of Glenlivet!

Harold and Modernization

Technology is great; I adore it…so much so the kind folks at the Apple Store have a restraining order pending against me for licking the windows in front of their new iPods.

There are some times though, where the “old fashioned” way, though not as slick and modern does hold a great deal of value.

This all comes about through a conversation I had with a fellow passenger on the commute in this morning; hearing the REAL voice announcement informing us that we would be waiting at Belmont for train ahead to clear, my seatmate commented “That’s Harold, he used to be great! You’d get a big ol’ GOOD MORNING out of him, the time, weather, even a “Happy Friday” occasionally. Can you believe the CTA actually wrote him up for being pleasant?”

*for the non-Chicago readers, the Chicago Transit Authority brought into commission a recorded voice to announce the stops, which side the doors open on etc. to replace the engineers doing such.

It was shocking to me that a “humanistic touch” was apparently not only a bother to the bureaucracy of the CTA, but something to be sought out and reprimanded (Watch out independent thought alarm!)

I think back to when I first got to Chicago (in the days when the train was $1.50, there were no card machines and you could buy tokens at the stations!) and do remember one particular engineer, his catchphrase was Step Up, Step Down, Doors Are A Closin’. Though I do not miss the other drivers as much, their pronunciation being a backwards recording of a Judas Priest album on a good day… it WAS nice to have that personality on the other side of the speaker. So, at least for today my cyber-side is somewhat in check…once Tiger launches however, it’s back to endless and shameless drooling at the altar of the big red fruit!

Wet Blanket

My personal medulla oblongata decided to take part of the morning off, so I thought a nice quick cop-out on a blog entry would be a scan of cnn.com and some pithy remarks on a top news story.

This plan worked a little to well. Perhaps its just my overanalyzation of everything, but these three stories seen in conjunction horrify me.

Supreme Court looks at Ten Commandments

Pharmacist says he feared 'spiritual pain'

Spears: Call me Britney Federline

As, W is often to remark “It’s the freakin’ Handmaid's Tale if we don’t watch out!”

The 2 stories on law-related issues should be thrown out of court faster than a frisbee at a doggie-park. Government and Religion are separate. End of discussion.

The 3rd, while deceptively fluffy in nature, disguises perhaps a more disturbing trend. For awhile, it looked like the pendulum on women portrayed in the media was swinging left. There were, and still are plenty of wonderfully strong, independent female-role-models. But, who is one of the most known and idolized stars by teenage girls today? Yep. And who is voting for Bush, changing her name and having babies as soon as possible.

I shouldn’t be so cynical for a Wednesday. *sigh*

Riddle me this, riddle me that

Perhaps it's because I'm skipping Pub Quiz this week to attend another soiree, or maybe my life has finally turned into one long round of Jeopardy!

This morning, as I unobtrusively waited for my much need morning fix, the charming young baristo at Starbucks asked me "Hey, ya know that show from the 80s starring Tom Hanks...what was that called?" My brain perked up and I rattled off "Bosom Buddies", 80-82 also starring Peter Scolari, and Wendy Jo Sperber."

He further quizzed me with "That had a catchy theme song right, by Elton John?" I shook my head in awe of this pop culture gaffe and informed him it was Billy "Red light means go" Joel, the theme song was "My Life" off his 52nd Street album. Amazingly, this still was not ringing a bell to the young pup, so I proceeded to render my best a cappella version complete with soft shoe and jazz hands.

Singing for my latte, Mom would be proud!

Free Speech, F*ck Yea!

This movie is so funtatalistic! Special thanks to the founding fathers for the 1st Amendement. For the next month or so I love the fact that this country is a democracy and open to unique opinion. If the dang Packers can only win, perhaps this patriotic ideal can continue…obscure football reference here.

I’ll fully admit Trey Parker is a rable-rouser as is Michael Moore. This latest film is over the top, sure, but sadly not all that far from how the world sees America and our current foreign policies....parodies come from truth after all! Changing our Amerio-centric attitudes when it comes to the world is long overdue! How much longer will we be satisfied to be viewed as morons, religious-right-nazis, or in any way accepting of civilian death or urban carnage in the name of "a safer world." Mr. Bush? Mr. Kerry? Anyone wanna field that one?

(returning soapbox to its down and locked position.)

She-Does-Bop

I’ve been so neglectful blogging here lately, pardon me while I dust off the cobwebs here. *phwwweeet*

This weekend marked the first Slumber Party I’ve attended in close to 14-years. It was amazing how very little changes in that bastion of female bonding. All the same crucial elements were still there: cookie dough, sexual innuendo, boys, R-rated movies and of course getting to wear your “cute” pajamas.

But, things change as they are apt to do: we had a….er….um “presentation” of sorts to get things off to a roaring start, let’s just say it was on issues facing today’s modern city gal….I’m trying to run a PG blog here after all! Anywhoo, the new additions of Cosmos and Strawberry Erotic Massage Lotion provided a magical wormhole back to the 80s and we were all soon giggly teens once more.

It also assuaged some of the funk I’ve been under as of late…..back to the topic of cobwebs, my lovelife’s being buried under them and wondering if it would qualify for TV’s Filth Factor as an entry. Being surrounded by this fabulous mass of feminine-GO-power even for an evening stopped me in mid-pout, though. It’s very a common thing to have acquired a matching 3-piece set of baggage by your 30’s, in fact if not, you’re probably doing something wrong!

So, that estrogenal “Chin-up, Tiger” has me in better spirits that this recent drought is not terminal, and in fact might have provided a well-earned respite (after close to 20years of crushes and entanglements!) so that I might ante better in my next game of Hearts.

Walk Softly and Carry a Big Stick

Strange things are afoot both personally and professionally right now. More later when I figure out which way is up.

Come One, Come All, Step Right Up...

Politicalcircus.com
This is far too amusing, especially after another evening of mind-numbing debates! It treats politics as the ridiculous circus they have become...the devilish side of me wished they pushed it even further:

"See the amazing Kerry walk the high wire as he dangerously waffles side to side over a flaming pit of coals."

"Be amazed as Bush sticks his head inside Montecore and finds the missing weapons of mass destruction."

"Watch as Nader the Clown sprays everyone with soda water, diluting the issues and spoiling all the fun."

Eh, still fun for some morning surf time, and it delights me that this was done by one of my hometown agencies, Go MN!

Beware of Ex-Boyfriends Eating Lunch

Where was the horoscope warning me on this? And why didn't I read it!

It's actually kinda strange as he did cross my mind the other day, as it was about this time last year that things started to go as sour as freshly baked lutefisk. He was in the midst of applying for IPL clerkships on the "Rocket Docket" out east, and I foolishly joked I'd have to start hording my frequent flyer miles so I could visit. This apparently was me thinking WAY too fast for him (VISIT damn-it, not 'til death!) things started to fall apart rather quickly after that. Finally, in December I received probably the first MS Word "Dear Jen" document...shame they don't have an offical template for that!

The weird thing was how I recognized him. As I cruised into JJ's for my ham and cheese, there was an average blond head peeping over a booth...with N's ears. Apparently he has fairly distinctive ones, I never knew!? Further reconaissance revealed a Law Review, a McSweeney's and BBQ chips.

Surprisingly, he didn't turn around and I quickly grabbed my sub and left. While I might have patched up a bruised heart, the sheer unexpectedness of this encounter and the uncanny timing caught me off guard.

*mmph*

As the pillow-crease across my forehead will attest, I am WAY too tired to be attempting consciousness this morning. A combination of birthday dinner wine, late night cat mewling and early morning client demands has put me in this sad state. But, there is an industrial-size latte steaming next to me and the only "heavy-machinery" I have to operate is a G5, which is quite fortunate. With any luck I'll even have something interesting to post this afternoon. Now back to sleep...er..work.

In Search of C 6 H 12 O 6

Alas, the mighty Walgreen's has finally fumbled. M, a fella I know lives above the monstrous franchise on Chicago/Michigan and swears by their vast collection of the obscure. Working right around the corner, I have hit this particular one often as a last-resort lunch stop, cash machine and for random essential items (last week for Band-Aids after cutting the crap out of my finger with an X-acto blade!)

Scooting over there for an afternoon snack resulted in great frustration as they carried none of my cravalicious items: Chocolate pudding, GingerSnaps and Green Tea.

So, while I could have acquired fuzzy bunny slippers, a dragon-shaped kite, 1lb of bacon, sad-looking tapes of third-rate'80s artists, a Pokemon Sleeping Bag or several mystery brands of South American yogurt drink, my quite mundane list went unfufilled.

*sigh* well, only 55 minutes of work left, and then to a more humdrum emporium to satisfy my sweet-tooth and weary "it's Monday" mental composition.

Hippo, Birdie, Two Ewe...

(dont'cha miss the Far Side?)

Happy Birthday Wishes to Logan's Dave, who will undoubtedly show us youngsters yet again how to age with grace over this, his 31st year.

Happy BlogACatMas!

(BlogACatMas invention credits and explanation at The Accordion Guy!)